


poison that never stung

by kaeg



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, M/M, Malec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 05:16:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11684853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeg/pseuds/kaeg
Summary: Alec was told that love is painful, and he thinks no, that’s not right; you shouldn’t shield the spark like you want it to flame out. Let it burn, because that’s how beautiful things are formed.(or: alec learned about love when he was young. title from "sedated" by hozier.)





	poison that never stung

**Author's Note:**

> i tried writing some Good angst™ after 2x18 but that didn't work out so here's a weird abstract character study about love!!!

Alec remembers being told what love is like, and now, it applies.

It’s like he can’t put a name to what he’s feeling; that’s the way these things always happen. But then it creeps under his skin, unwanted, uncalled for, until one day he notices his thoughts revolving around somebody else. In that moment, he realizes.

(' _I wanted to see you again,’ Magnus says, soft and careful._

_Alec hates the way his heart flutters with confusion and something else, something gentle and fond. He reigns it back and leaves his face blank in fear of giving away too much of the identity he’s been hiding for so long._

_He doesn’t know why he stayed to help Magnus, or why he came at all. He doesn’t know why talking to him is so easy, yet terrifying. He determines that it’s terrible to want things he cannot justify.)_

Love leaves Alec feeling full and empty, too much and too little, and Magnus guides him through it with gentle hands and soothing voice. There comes a point when Alec knows the dips and valleys of Magnus’ soul so perfectly that he doesn’t need the guidance, but asks for it, anyway. His hands feel cold if not entwined with Magnus’ and sometimes, they’re the only thing that make Alec _warm_.

But then there’s also pain, because love is a constant tug-of-war. The two of them collide now and then, and everything falls off it’s axis. One spark sets the whole thing ablaze; Alec was told to be careful with his love, to cherish and shield it.

But now Alec is kissing Magnus and he thinks _no, that’s not right_ ; you shouldn’t shield the spark like you want it to flame out. You should let it explode and let it burn because that’s how beautiful things are formed.

_(Alec laughs against Magnus’ mouth with a giddy kind of disbelief, an eagerness to the way he pushes Magnus back toward the bed, clothes tossed haphazardly on the floor, tripping over his own feet. Magnus kisses him like he’s been waiting centuries for it, impatient as he pulls at Alec’s shirt and lets his hands explore. He’s shaking with nerves but he’s smiling so wide, and he watches the way Alec fumbles with his shoes, and laughs in the face of it all.)_

Love shouldn’t be _painful,_ Alec thinks. Sure, it _has_ pain—pain is a piece of him, just as it’s a piece of Magnus. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, while other times it’s just a thrumming in the back of his mind. He carries it like a shield to protect himself from harm but occasionally, it’s healthy to let down his guard.

_(‘You’re more than just a pretty face, aren’t you?’_

_Magnus is watching Alec with that knowing look he has that makes him feel terrifyingly vulnerable, and Alec’s eyes shift, almost as if he’s looking for a getaway._

_‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ He says, angry without any venom._

_‘You shared your strength with me to help your_ friend. _It’s rare to find a shadowhunter with such an…open heart.’_

_‘I trust you,’ Alec says, not exactly sure why the words came out so suddenly and so soft. Instead of stating a fact, it sounds like a promise. ‘I dunno why, but I do.’)_

Love has happiness, too, in the form of prolonged stares and flirtatious tones and promises Alec will never break. Happiness is going home to a place he belongs in, with the person he seems to belong to, where everything falls away except Magnus and Alec’s need to love him like it’s the only thing he was born to do.

( _'T_ _his is between me and your son. I’ll leave if he asks me to.’)_

There’s bravery, and beauty, and confidence. Alec takes in Magnus’ form and asks himself if this is reality, the way small movements make Magnus shudder, doing so much with so little. He memorizes the feeling of Magnus’ skin, relishes in the way Magnus grips his hair. He tells Magnus that he’s beautiful with the utmost sincerity, and continues to do so until he believes it.

When Alec was young, he was told to protect his heart, to protect its fragility. He was told to decide carefully who to love because Shadowhunters only love once.

Years later, he wakes up wrapped in golden sheets, slowly regaining his senses. He feels a leg pressed up against his thigh, a weight near his shoulder, and a hand gently stroking his own. He speaks and his voice is quiet and gravelly with lack of use, but the voice he hears in reply, as rough as his own, is possibly the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard.

He discards the barricades formed around his heart from years of secrecy and fear, and lies in bed with the one he loves.

He isn’t scared of circumstance, anymore. It seems fate is on their side.

  


**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr: [@dandymot](http://dandymot.tumblr.com)


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